Survive

IMG_6027I’m trying to find the [insert the word I’m looking for here] to write today, so I’m sorry if this seems all over the place. I know I don’t have to, but the hardest days are the days I probably SHOULD be writing. *sigh* I’m so bored. I feel like I have been able to survive all these years, but I haven’t lived in so long.

IMG_6009I honestly just feel like my life is a compilation of short-lived passions and hobbies. I can’t seem to pinpoint who I am or want I want. I can visualize myself doing anything and everything, but don’t seem to have the will or motivation needed to get anything done.

IMG_5987I have 2 electric guitars, an amp, and a mini keyboard that sit in a corner of the room, unused. I have always wanted to learn to play guitar and make music, so I spent weeks researching, bought the equipment, and basically stopped there. I practice guitar occasionally, but never consistently. I have a box of oil paints and a full pack of canvases in assorted sizes in another corner. Unused. I painted one landscape that I was unimpressed with and stopped there.

IMG_6057The list goes on and on, and the amount of money wasted over the years could probably pay my off my debt in one large lump sum. And now I’m waiting for some photography studio equipment to arrive, and can’t help but feel….guilty? Or disappointment for spending money on something that will probably just occupy another corner of the room. Unused.

IMG_6062I know it sounds weird, but there’s a huge part of me who thinks the “passions” were just picked up by me. I don’t feel like I have a real sense of self, and I mold myself to others, I guess. My dad is a photographer, my ex played guitar…etc. I don’t know. I’m rambling now. I just feel like a blank page.

 
Survive

4 thoughts on “Survive

  1. I’m loving your posts, and any and all squirrel photos therein. No matter what you decide your long-lasting passions are, let the short-lived ones teach you something. Time spent creating art is never wasted. It’s just a method the Universe uses for helping you hone in on what you will eventually be best at. And like I said, the squirrel photos, dude… 😀

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks, Anna!! I’m kind of surprised at how friendly the squirrels are in my area, but I’m loving it. They’re so cute and fun to take pictures of. 😀

      And I’m trying to find the motivation to do anything at all, art included. But I appreciate the advice, and you’re totally right. I’m too hard on myself sometimes. 😦

      Liked by 1 person

      • I also start hobbies and give up on them, and for years, I’ve been down on myself about it. I’ve gradually begun to realize that I keep giving up because I’m afraid of failure. Though that doesn’t help me out with the many things I’ve put down and refused to pick back up again, it’s helped me with other areas of my life. One of my favorite hobbies (that I know will be lifelong) is hiking, because as long as I’ve got two working legs, I can count on getting somewhere. There’s no wrong way to walk from point A to point B. The pride that comes from a long hike has given me a new sense of how to forgive myself for not being particularly skilled at anything else. Maybe you’ll find the same thing in photography, and maybe not. Maybe your skill is getting animals to stay still for a second and trust you. That’s a magic all in itself – the whole world in a moment. Have a great day!

        Liked by 1 person

      • Wow, I am so happy that you were able to find that love for hiking. I also enjoy hiking and being outdoors, and since my foot surgery, I have been kind of cooped up in the house. I am taking baby steps, but at least I’m making the effort. This comment really made me feel better, and I appreciate you taking the time. It really means a lot. ❤

        Liked by 1 person

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