I’m trying to find the [insert the word I’m looking for here] to write today, so I’m sorry if this seems all over the place. I know I don’t have to, but the hardest days are the days I probably SHOULD be writing. *sigh* I’m so bored. I feel like I have been able to survive all these years, but I haven’t lived in so long.
I honestly just feel like my life is a compilation of short-lived passions and hobbies. I can’t seem to pinpoint who I am or want I want. I can visualize myself doing anything and everything, but don’t seem to have the will or motivation needed to get anything done.
I have 2 electric guitars, an amp, and a mini keyboard that sit in a corner of the room, unused. I have always wanted to learn to play guitar and make music, so I spent weeks researching, bought the equipment, and basically stopped there. I practice guitar occasionally, but never consistently. I have a box of oil paints and a full pack of canvases in assorted sizes in another corner. Unused. I painted one landscape that I was unimpressed with and stopped there.
The list goes on and on, and the amount of money wasted over the years could probably pay my off my debt in one large lump sum. And now I’m waiting for some photography studio equipment to arrive, and can’t help but feel….guilty? Or disappointment for spending money on something that will probably just occupy another corner of the room. Unused.
I know it sounds weird, but there’s a huge part of me who thinks the “passions” were just picked up by me. I don’t feel like I have a real sense of self, and I mold myself to others, I guess. My dad is a photographer, my ex played guitar…etc. I don’t know. I’m rambling now. I just feel like a blank page.