You could easily say I’m bitter. I have wasted too much of my energy trying to deny that fact. Hurt, angry, resentful…Aren’t these normal emotional reactions to years of unjust treatment? Is the “solution” to forgive those who have treated you unjustly? To stretch myself for those who refuse to stretch for me? I find myself having a really hard time with this lately.
I was such a happy, ignorant child. Today, I feel nothing like her. Some of my memories feel like they belong to someone else. Someone who lent their precious memories to distract me from my own. Reflecting on my past with an adult perspective has shattered my perception of everything I thought I knew. Suddenly, I recall abuse and neglect that I never saw before. Traumatic events that my young mind sheltered me from are suddenly coming into view and becoming more clear.
I start and end every day with a distorted view of myself and my worth. My fear of abandonment and rejection have broken every ‘independent’ and ‘decisive’ bone in my body. After years of prioritizing the feelings of the people who broke me, you could easily say I am more bitter now than I have ever been in my life. And I’m beginning to think it’s been long overdue.